1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:06,305 (man on TV) 'And now, direct from his tour of Canadian prisons' 2 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,574 'Giggles in the valley is very proud to present' 3 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,543 the comedy of Larry Slotkin! 4 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:12,845 Larry Slotkin! 5 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:14,847 [applause] 6 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:20,285 Thank you, Sid, and polyester's definitely your color. 7 00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,055 [audience laughing] 8 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,057 Well, I don't think so. 9 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,458 [TV switches off] 10 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,794 Oh, I'm sorry, were you watching? 11 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,263 No, we were just sitting here 12 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,999 pretending to be throw pillows. 13 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,502 Well, I think Kate's doing the better job. 14 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,372 ALF, we like this program. We find it funny. 15 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,041 Oh, come on! 16 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,643 You could put anybody up in front of prisoners 17 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,412 and they're gonna laugh. 18 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,614 Especially in Canada. 19 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:51,517 I'm funnier than anyone you saw tonight. 20 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,252 No, you're not. 21 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,586 Oh, really? 22 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,656 A rabbi, a priest and an atheist walk into a bar. 23 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:58,757 You're funny, you're funny. 24 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,393 Just don't tell that joke again. 25 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,262 ALF, friends will say you're funny 26 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:05,597 even when you're really not, as you just witnessed. 27 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,767 Now, being a comedian takes years of hard work 28 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,570 and-and personal sacrifice. 29 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,173 Well, I don't know about sacrifice. 30 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:18,143 But I've never been one to shy away from hard work. 31 00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:21,213 (Both) Ha ha ha ha. 32 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,549 See? Made you laugh! 33 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,886 [theme music] 34 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:57,916 [music continues] 35 00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,213 [instrumental music] 36 00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:31,216 [keys clacking] 37 00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:32,351 Ha ha ha! 38 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,720 ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning! 39 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,988 Not now, not now. 40 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,590 Are you gonna type all night? 41 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,892 Look, while you're here, 42 00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:42,194 let me run some very hip jokes by you. 43 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,597 When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house. 44 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,935 There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. 45 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,905 Okay, let's get this over with. 46 00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,908 Good, you're psyched. 47 00:02:55,910 --> 00:03:00,345 Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? 48 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,881 On Melmac, they were the worst. 49 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,617 You'd ask for extra crispy. 50 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,554 They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! 51 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,323 Ha ha ha! 52 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:14,693 ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. 53 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,696 Which, in your case, is just an expression. 54 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,333 Aah. 55 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,102 Like he knows anything about comedy. 56 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:28,173 Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox 57 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,842 I read about in "Scientific American"." 58 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,214 I'm funny. I am. 59 00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,149 I could be a comic. 60 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,684 I am funny. 61 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,052 I really am! 62 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,787 Hey, does anyone want to hear a good gag? 63 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,288 (audience) Yeah! 64 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,923 [gags] 65 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,992 [audience groans] 66 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,927 'I just bought a new car..' 67 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,996 'It's not really new, it's an old U.P.S. Truck.' 68 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,931 Hi! I'm ALF. 69 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,267 Stand-up comic extraordinaire. 70 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,370 I go on right before the fat guy. 71 00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,239 Whoops. 72 00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,107 My name's Howie Anderson. 73 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,978 I sweat when I get nervous. 74 00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,380 I hope the stage has good drainage. 75 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,917 This is my first time getting up there. 76 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,518 I'm really nervous. 77 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,121 You're not gonna faint, are you? 78 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,357 I know you're just starting out, too. 79 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:22,628 But I can tell, you have star quality written all over you. 80 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,763 Any suggestions you can give me? 81 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,832 Well, if I were you, babe. 82 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,768 I'd use that weight thing in my act. 83 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,770 The weight thing. 84 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,006 Yeah, that might work. 85 00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:34,873 Thanks. 86 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,475 Ah, don't mention it. 87 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,809 You're lucky. 88 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,978 I don't have any physical characteristics 89 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,047 I could play off of. 90 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,983 Okay, right now, I'd like you 91 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,886 to give a very warm Giggles welcome to a newcomer. 92 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:52,157 He goes by the name of Gordon ALF Shumway. 93 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,292 [chuckles] 94 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,295 [applause] 95 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,398 - Thank you, Sid. - Yeah. 96 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,167 Just don't stink up the joint. 97 00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:06,438 So, anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant? 98 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,740 On Melmac, they were the worst. 99 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,375 You'd ask for extra crispy. 100 00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,844 They'd give you a cat with arthritis! 101 00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,447 [audience laughing] 102 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:20,352 You hear about the Melmacian National Library burning down? 103 00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:23,121 They lost both books! 104 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,624 And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! 105 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,925 Ha ha! 106 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,127 [audience laughs and applauds] 107 00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:33,932 I'll tell you, women...am I right? 108 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,934 'Take my girlfriend, Rhonda.' 109 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,136 I could always tell when she was mad 110 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:41,139 by the way the fur on her back would stand up. 111 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,041 Ha ha! Oh! 112 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,210 [audience laughing] 113 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,279 [laughing] I've got to stop you. 114 00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:49,848 I mean, I've been running comedy clubs forever. 115 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,452 But you have redefined comedy in America. 116 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,455 [applause] 117 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,992 Before we get back to your act, there's somebody over here 118 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,828 who is dying to meet you. 119 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:06,298 Brandon Tartikoff! In my club! 120 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,900 Hi. 121 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,802 - Brandon who? - Brandon Tartikoff. 122 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,004 I'm head of programming at NBC. 123 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:16,041 Yeah, uh, Brandon, people are waiting. 124 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,643 Alright, alright, alright. I'll-I'll cut to the chase. 125 00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,011 You're a funny guy. 126 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,046 We'd like to give you your own 127 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,715 prime-time sitcom to star in. 128 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,984 Gee, I don't know. TV? 129 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,387 I always thought my future was in film. 130 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,857 So-so did Shelley Long. 131 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,493 Listen, ALF, we'll give you almost anything 132 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,194 to get you on NBC. 133 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,064 Frankly, uh, we're desperate. 134 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,099 Hey, you don't have to convince me. 135 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,101 I saw "Nutt House"! 136 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,237 (Audience) 'Ohh!' 137 00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,939 So what do you say? Are you in or out? 138 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,276 Out. And next time, go through my agent. 139 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:54,613 You've been in the business long enough to know how it works. 140 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,548 You're right. I-I'm sorry. 141 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,383 I-I overstepped. 142 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,652 Hey. How did he slip in? 143 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:03,388 Who's watching the door? 144 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,990 Come on, guys! 145 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,926 ALF, you were wonderful! 146 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,028 I had to dig my nails into my chair 147 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,964 to keep from laughing out loud! 148 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,401 Willie, one day you're going to explode. 149 00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,336 [everyone laughs] 150 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:22,707 ALF, you really did redefine comedy in America. 151 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,309 I can't believe I doubted you. 152 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,011 I mean, I am wrong a lot of the time. 153 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,547 But pff, I outdid myself here. 154 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,848 It's okay. 155 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,117 I don't expect that much from you. 156 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,486 [everyone laughs] 157 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:38,089 Oh, ALF? Um, could you start hanging out with me? 158 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:41,126 That way, I could be popular with the cool kids. 159 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,062 Depends. What's in it for me? 160 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,531 The knowledge you'd be making them happy? 161 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,668 No, really. 162 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,802 Oh! 163 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,837 [everyone laughs] 164 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,071 Oh! 165 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,343 [instrumental music] 166 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,326 [telephone rings] 167 00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,628 This one's from a man in Texas. 168 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,930 He calls you a genius four times 169 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,632 and that's just on the envelope. 170 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,235 Check it for money, then throw it away. 171 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,172 The people from "Charles in Charge" are on the phone, sir. 172 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,206 They'd like to know if you'd like to be 173 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,908 a regular on that show. 174 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:34,179 Tell 'em if they dump Scott Baio and call it "ALF in Charge" 175 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,681 I'll think about it. 176 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,550 Right. Thank you, Mr. ALF, sir. 177 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,152 Barbara Walters needs an answer. 178 00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,488 Are you going to do her Academy Award night special? 179 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,156 Am I the only guest? 180 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,627 No. Marlon Brando and Margaret Thatcher will be on, too. 181 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:49,995 Pass. 182 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,329 [doorbell rings] 183 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:56,034 When will it all stop? I need my rest! 184 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,003 ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen? 185 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,839 You know the rules, son. 186 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,974 It's Mrs. Ochmonek. 187 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,209 Stay! 188 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,712 Where have you been keeping him? 189 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,981 [gasps] There he is! Oh! 190 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,918 [laughs] 191 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,786 I laugh just looking at you. 192 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,054 Yeah, same back at you. 193 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,089 Oh! Ho ho ho! 194 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,258 Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over 195 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,094 and meet my bridge club? They all adore you. 196 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,564 Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." 197 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,465 But I have a life now. 198 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,235 Oh! Ha ha ha! 199 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,637 I love this funny man. 200 00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:36,007 Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me? 201 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,709 Brian! 202 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,078 I don't do my own autographs. 203 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,147 But I will touch the photo. 204 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,719 Well, I'd better get back. 205 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,988 Thank you, Mr. Shumway. 206 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,256 Yeah. You're welcome. 207 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,924 Check her for money and get her out of here. 208 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,492 Ha ha ha! 209 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,029 He ad-libbed for me! Oh, ho ho ho! 210 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:01,266 Oh, I hope to see you around. 211 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,335 Save me a fur ball. 212 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,671 Well, I'm off to the track. 213 00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:10,041 I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. 214 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,643 Ha ha ha ha! 215 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,446 But what about the, uh, lifetime achievement award 216 00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,214 you're being given tonight? 217 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,683 Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech? 218 00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,285 I'll wing it. 219 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:23,288 Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. 220 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,625 But you know why that is. 221 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,827 Because once, we said you weren't funny. 222 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,097 That's right. 223 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,899 Now, you know where you belong. 224 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,334 (both) The attic. 225 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,339 And don't touch my things! 226 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,246 [instrumental music] 227 00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,518 [applause] 228 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,288 Thank you. Thank you very much. 229 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,557 Tonight, the people's choice awards 230 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,961 has chosen to honor a man who has revolutionized 231 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,596 the field of comedy. 232 00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:07,465 Gordon "ALF" Shumway has been responsible 233 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,602 for a body of work stretching back to Monday. 234 00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:15,907 Unfortunately, Gordon is running just a little bit late. 235 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,976 But he did call in on his car phone, and-- 236 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,744 [drum roll] 237 00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:23,348 Ah, we've just received word Gordon is in the building. 238 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,151 [audience applauds] 239 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,354 [fanfare plays] 240 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,458 Thank you! Thank you! 241 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,594 So, how's life after Bandstand? 242 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,030 I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody else. 243 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,799 Oh, I'm so sorry. 244 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:43,802 Don Cornelius, ladies and gentlemen, huh? 245 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,136 Ha ha! 246 00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,138 Go sit down, will you? 247 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,740 Get out of here. 248 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,544 Look, I'm not a speech maker. 249 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,512 I'm a beloved entertainer. 250 00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,981 So I'm gonna do what I do best 251 00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:58,817 and tell a few jokes. 252 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,785 [applause] 253 00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:04,956 Anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant? 254 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,392 On Melmac, they were the worst! 255 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,194 You'd ask for extra crispy. 256 00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:11,863 They'd give you a cat with arthritis! 257 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,131 Way way bing bing! 258 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,667 [audience laughs] 259 00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,035 (male 'Hey, Gordon!' 260 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,070 'Let's hear some new stuff!' 261 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,538 New stuff? 262 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,540 'Yeah, like stuff you haven't done before!' 263 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:23,775 (audience) 'Yeah! Yeah!' 264 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,543 Oh, oh, oh, new stuff! 265 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,946 Oh, sure! Uh, did you hear about 266 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:31,349 the Melmacian National Library burning down? 267 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,652 (audience) 'Yeah, they lost both books.' 268 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,455 [audience boos] 269 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,391 Okay, okay, stop me if you heard this one. 270 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,594 (audience) 'Stop! Stop!' 271 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,069 That's what I get for giving this business 272 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,338 the three best days of my life. 273 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,572 [audience boos] 274 00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:55,607 Ingrates! 275 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,846 [instrumental music] 276 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:21,699 Just tell Ms. Walters I'm ready to do her show now. 277 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,636 The name's ALF. 278 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,906 A-L-F. 279 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,811 Well, I was really big a couple of days ago. 280 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,615 You know as well as I do it's never gonna freeze over! 281 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:43,822 Is it just me, or did my career fizzle all of a sudden? 282 00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,623 ALF, Woody Allen called. 283 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,625 He said that you confirmed 284 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,961 everything he thought about television. 285 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,330 Really? 286 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,200 He said that about me? 287 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,236 Let it go. You're washed up. 288 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,839 No! I can't be washed up! 289 00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,540 Not yet! 290 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,209 ALF, is it possible that your fame 291 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:06,144 lasted as long as it was supposed to? 292 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:10,415 Andy Warhol said that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. 293 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,651 Well, I want more than 15 minutes! 294 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:16,988 I deserve at least as much time as Gavin Macleod got. 295 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:21,526 [instrumental music] 296 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,545 [Rudolph sputters] 297 00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,081 Got it! 298 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,221 Uh, time's up! Time's up! 299 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,557 [plates shatter] 300 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,262 [audience claps] 301 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,296 Alright, alright. 302 00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,364 Don't encourage him. 303 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:00,765 He'll come back. 304 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,434 [coughs] 305 00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,739 Alright, I have a couple of announcements to make. 306 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:11,209 Bingo starts at 7 o'clock, not 6:00. 307 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,646 Also, whoever's been taking the "F" from my name 308 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,080 better knock it off. 309 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,449 It's "ALF," not "AL." 310 00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:23,554 So, anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant? 311 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,657 On Melmac, they were the worst. 312 00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,292 You'd ask for extra crispy, they'd give you 313 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,494 a cat with arthritis. No problem. 314 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,535 Alright, folks. 315 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,071 Gonna step out of character for a second here 316 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,806 and explain something. 317 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,274 These are jokes. 318 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:47,445 They were funny ten years ago, they're funny now. 319 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,114 So it wouldn't kill you to laugh. 320 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,649 Now back to the routine. 321 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,252 Did you hear about the Melmacian National Library? 322 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,421 [blender whirs] 323 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,456 Hey, hey! Hey, bartender! 324 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,726 Excuse me! I'm in the middle of my act! 325 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,762 How many people would rather listen to the blender? 326 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,966 [audience laughing and applauding] 327 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,469 And where's my wife's margarita? 328 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,472 Hey. When I'm finished, I'll bring her a trough. 329 00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,509 What's that supposed to mean? 330 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:22,113 [sighs] It's a joke! 331 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:25,583 Am I the only one in this room who understands comedy? 332 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,986 Are you trying to be funny? 333 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,754 I knew you wouldn't get this stuff. 334 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:32,156 You barely understood the buffet table. 335 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,792 That's it. 336 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,795 I'm gonna take that microphone and I'm gonna-- 337 00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:41,199 Hey! If there's any fighting in here, I'm gonna throw you out! 338 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,500 You tell him! 339 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,569 I'm talking to you, Shumway! 340 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,540 Go by table four and clean up the vomit. 341 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,442 Hey, Mr. Polniakoff. 342 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,845 There are certain things I won't do. 343 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,247 Well, then, you're fired! 344 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,150 However, cleaning up vomit is not one of them. 345 00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:04,322 Hey, here's Howie Anderson, the comedian! 346 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:05,857 Ha! How-ie! 347 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,792 (audience) How-ie! How-ie! 348 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,861 Oh, like I need this. 349 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,196 Hey, tell some jokes, Howie. 350 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,532 - Oh, I just dropped by. - Ahh.. 351 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,300 Well, I wasn't planning to perform. 352 00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:17,668 - But if you insist.. - Ha! 353 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,871 (audience) Yay! Yeah! 354 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,577 Well. Now, I have an aerobics class in the morning 355 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,612 so let's get this over with. 356 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:28,980 [audience laughs] 357 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,115 No, actually, I don't have time for aerobics. 358 00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:32,617 I have hobbies. 359 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,252 I like to go to all-you-can-eat buffets. 360 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,554 That's one of my hobbies. 361 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,189 Oh, not for the food. 362 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,858 I go to horrify the management. 363 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,560 'Cause I'm there for about five minutes 364 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,728 and they look at me like I'm gonna eat the 365 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,730 whole restaurant for $5.99. 366 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,765 [audience laughs] 367 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,434 If that's the way they feel, that's fine. 368 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:53,604 Now I go in, I kick down the door and go "I'm starving!" 369 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,940 "I'm starving!" 370 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:59,177 Yeah? I could get laughs, too. 371 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,279 If I were fat. 372 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,614 I recognize that bitter voice. 373 00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,916 Do I know you? 374 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,652 No. I just look like a lot of people. 375 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,321 You're ALF! 376 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,090 We started out together. 377 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,692 Comedians everywhere owe him a debt. 378 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,296 When we're tired, lazy, cocky.. 379 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,630 ...we ask ourselves.. 380 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,632 ..."Do we wanna end up like ALF?" 381 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,568 And we snap right out of it. 382 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:24,602 Thank you, ALF. 383 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,805 [audience laughs] 384 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,308 Ahh, shut up. 385 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:37,548 [instrumental music] 386 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:44,856 Ohh. 387 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,095 Maybe he knows where ALF is. 388 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,564 Excuse me, old-timer.. 389 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,334 Hey. What are you doing here? 390 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,703 ALF, I can't believe it! 391 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,538 It's been ten years. 392 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,540 How you been? 393 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,308 [spits] Uh, fine. 394 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,544 Couldn't be better. 395 00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,279 ALF.. 396 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,647 Oh, this? 397 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,949 This is a new comedy bit I'm working on. 398 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:15,553 Watch! It's a spit take. It'll be funny! 399 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,787 No, no. 400 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,322 It's alright. 401 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,058 We know you've been working here for the last ten years. 402 00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:24,228 How come you never called us, ALF? 403 00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,830 I was too proud. 404 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,699 And after Lynn became a studio head 405 00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,903 and Brian got his own TV series.. 406 00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:33,304 ...thought you'd think I was calling 407 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,705 because I wanted something. 408 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,408 No, no, we wouldn't have thought that. 409 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,676 Really? 410 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,977 Hey, Bri! 411 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:43,247 Can I have a guest shot on your series? 412 00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:45,750 It's not up to me, Al. 413 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,685 It's "ALF," Brian. 414 00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:52,190 Call the casting person on my show. 415 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,559 But if you want your old room back, ALF, you're always-- 416 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,861 Not now, Willie. 417 00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,765 Hey, I've been hearing a lot about M.G.M.-Lynn studios. 418 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,433 Congratulations. 419 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:06,037 Thank you. It just feels good to get out of the steno pool. 420 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,640 You think you can get me a film? 421 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,977 I mean, John Candy must turn down something. 422 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:17,281 No, actually, he doesn't. 423 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,316 Sorry. 424 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,486 Eric! 425 00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,788 Where's Eric? 426 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,824 Eric...well, Eric has been pretty busy 427 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,492 since he replaced Scott Baio on-- 428 00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:29,560 No! 429 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,996 Don't even finish that sentence! 430 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,031 [sighs] That's it. 431 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:38,636 Willie...what were you saying about my room being ready? 432 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,771 If you'd like your old room back, ALF 433 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,873 we'd like to have you. 434 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,910 Oh, you mean that, palomino? 435 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,612 Let's go home, ALF. 436 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,846 (Polniakoff) 'Shumway!' 437 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,717 Where do you think you're going? 438 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,786 I'm going back to the San Fernando valley. 439 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,122 Where people think I'm funny. 440 00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:01,259 (all) We don't think you're funny. 441 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,094 Don't be a fool! 442 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,996 You belong here! 443 00:21:04,998 --> 00:21:07,198 I'll start...paying you. 444 00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,700 You will? 445 00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:12,069 Don't listen to him, ALF. 446 00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,871 All he's offering is a dingy nightclub 447 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,374 full of faded dreams and lonely nights. 448 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:19,176 And four bucks an hour. 449 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:23,714 It's a dead end filled with hopelessness and humiliation. 450 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,783 I'll give you back your F. 451 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,886 Don't let him tempt you, ALF. 452 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:31,656 Come home with us. 453 00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:33,858 What, and leave show business? 454 00:21:34,694 --> 00:21:35,860 Ha! 455 00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,461 I think not. 456 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,432 I was funny! 457 00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:42,667 I was funny! 458 00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,502 I was funny! 459 00:21:44,504 --> 00:21:46,003 - I was funny! - ALF! 460 00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,572 - Oh! Wha...? Oh. - You alright? 461 00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:50,041 Oh, Willie! 462 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,444 I had a nightmare. 463 00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:55,446 I was a stand-up comic 464 00:21:55,448 --> 00:21:57,982 and I had to clean up vomit! 465 00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:01,819 Listen, I've decided I don't wanna be a comedian. 466 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,055 I hope you're not too disappointed. 467 00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,557 Oh, we dealt with you giving up dirty dancing. 468 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,559 I think we can deal with this. 469 00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,794 Thanks. 470 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,463 I just realized.. 471 00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,799 ...I'm too pretty to be funny. 472 00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,867 I envy you, Kate. 473 00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:20,438 Thanks, AL. 474 00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:22,440 What? 475 00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,041 You heard me. 476 00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:27,411 Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. 477 00:22:27,413 --> 00:22:31,649 Because you must be "Starving! Starving!" 478 00:22:31,651 --> 00:22:33,351 Aah! Aah! 479 00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:36,754 Hurry up, because "Eric in Charge" is on. 480 00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,957 No! 481 00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:42,059 No! 482 00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:43,094 No! 483 00:22:44,931 --> 00:22:46,997 Whoa. Whew. 484 00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:51,102 Well, at least Woody Allen liked me. 485 00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:55,239 I'm getting out of comedy. 486 00:22:55,241 --> 00:22:58,142 Think I'll be a plate spinner. 487 00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,176 Yeah. 488 00:23:02,415 --> 00:23:05,416 [instrumental music] 489 00:23:29,976 --> 00:23:32,910 Ha ha ha! 490 00:23:33,713 --> 00:23:36,914 [instrumental music]